The Danger of Comparisons

I have to admit- I'm addicted to facebook. It's a wonderful way to keep up with people that you haven't seen in years. Posting pictures and videos allows my family to experience what is happening in our family and helps us feel closer. But there is a downside to social media- it naturally lends itself to comparisons...

For instance: this week, one friend posted about how her two month year old  laughed and rolled over, another friend posted about how their kid (who I don't think is even two) used the potty...and it made me pause and then the worrying started...

Maybe I should preface it with this: it has been an extremely challenging week with my two year old daughter. Baby boy had a dr. appointment on Wednesday, which she was a handful at (ie: escaping out of the room while I was talking to the dr and round the corner and down the hall before I could catch up with her and then trying to escape every chance she got while I blocked the door). On Thursday, we started attending a Community Bible Study and she lost it when I tried to get her to go to her classroom and not stay with her baby brother. And by lost it, I mean prolonged screaming, flailing, hitting, etc. And it was hard for me as her mom to deal with that kind of behavior...

So, when I read about when this kid (who was quite younger than my daughter) was already using the potty, I nearly flipped because my daughter refuses to do anything with her potty...at all. And one by one, I know that alot of my friends who have kids her age have wrote about their successes with potty training. I get it: it's exciting. I'm sure I will do the same. But right now, it makes me feel like I'm just failing my kid. That somehow my child is not doing what she is supposed to do. I've been told that she is probably a bit immature for her age. And it hasn't been the first time: a few months ago, it was more about her language development. A year and a half ago, it was about her not walking until 15 months...and so on and so on. It's not the first time and it won't be the last.

But thankfully, I have great mommy friends who remind me that my child is special and wonderful and is doing things on her own timing. It doesn't make her immature or lesser than her peers, it is just a part of who she is right now. She's a two year old- and she will have tantrums, she will refuse to do things, she may not do things the way other kids are doing right now, but at this age, that really doesn't mean anything except we need to continue to work on it and just relax a bit. I know it will come- she will adjust to bible study, she will learn to use the potty, her language will develop more, the tantrums will even out. And for all those rough moments, there are equally as sweet moments this week. She loves life- she is outgoing and personable, full of laughter and hugs and kisses and singing. And while she may not be doing one thing that others are doing, she does have quite a lot of successes in other areas...

So, what I have to remind myself daily: do not compare my child with any other child. It will only lead to frustration and disappointment.  If there is something not developing normally, I am sure that will come out  at a doctor's appointment and in the meantime, no worries. The normal range of development in these young ones is huge and our kids don't have to do things the earliest or the fastest or be the best at everything. We don't need any overachievers at two years or two months. And for well-meaning people who like to make those comparisons for us, please stop.(And I'm not even talking about those moms who do that to make other people feel lesser- I know those moms exist and I'm sure I will encounter them in the future-thankfully, I haven't yet.  But when I do,  I won't put up with it. I think for those moms,we all have to speak up and put a stop to it for the sake of our kids and the common bond of mommyhood).

Here is what I'm trying to hold onto daily: we will have good days and bad days, but I must focus on the good. Parenting has its ups and downs, it's trials and successes. Focus on the positive and put the negative in perspective. And remember that little girl and baby boy are huge bundles of blessings, showing us God's love, grace and sense of humor every day.

My only good type of comparison- aren't my babies darling at 2 months?

A Not-so-graceful Mommy day

I have a confession. Today was the first day I tried to actually go out on my own with the babies (besides a dr. appointment that I did do on my own, but I had no choice). And yes, my son is just shy of two months old. There were many reasons. I hadn't wanted to go out in hot, humid weather with a newborn. I wanted to keep him safe from germs while he was so tiny. I had been weary of being out with the two and my daughter throw a tantrum and not being able to keep them safe if baby boy was in the Ergo and I had a screaming, flailing toddler. We are a one car family, so my husband takes the car unless I need it. With little one's sleep schedule, the last thing I want to do is get all of us up to take him to work (which I will have to start doing to go to the Bible study I signed up for on Thursdays- what was I thinking?).

But, I finally ordered our double stroller. Perhaps that is a separate post because I had literally been waffling on which one to get since long before my son was born. And today was a gorgeous day. And my son slept so well last night (11-6, 6:20-9...beautiful!). I was out of excuses. Here we go.

We live on the second floor of our apartment building. 17 stairs up. Currently, our double stroller, the Joovy, is sitting in our living room. We want to clear out a space in our outdoor closet, but that is besides the point. When my husband has the car, if I want to go out with the kids on a walk, the stroller has to be on the second floor.

So part of my trying to get out of the house with both kids and the stroller involves what to do with the kids while I set everything up. I saw no other way than just leave them for the 2 minutes it takes to lug the stroller down the stairs and rush back up. I didn't want to put little girl in her crib because she had her shoes on. Perhaps that was my biggest mistake.

I told her sternly that she was to stay right here and I would be back. I struggled getting the monster stroller down the steps (my poor post-partum body is so out of shape!) and got everything set up and the diaper bag in the bottom compartment. Then I hurried back up the stairs. I turned the doorknob only to find it LOCKED.

Yes, my toddler decided to lock me out of the apartment. And no, I did not have my keys or my cell phone. Oops.

Mama!

Addie, Open the door! Unlock the door, sweetheart...

And commence the tears. She was sobbing because she didn't know what to do. Somehow she knows how to lock, but doesn't get the concept of turning the lock the other direction to unlock. And I suspect she thought I was mad at her.

So, I spent the next few minutes trying to get her to calm down enough to try to turn the lock. I'm sure our neighbors thought I was insane and wondered why I had a child and then decided to have another. I didn't want to go to the office because I didn't want to leave her alone with her brother. Finally she calmed down enough and I heard her jiggle the lock. I coaxed her to turn it the other way and Praise the Lord, she did.

At that point, I just wanted to give up on this foolish idea of getting out of the house with two kids, but I wasn't ready to drag the stroller back up the stairs, so I decided to keep on. Baby boy in my arms, little girl's hand in mine, we walked down the steps and I got them situated into the stroller. I took a few steps and noticed my water bottle fell...and yes, had spilled all over the bottom of the stroller and the diaper bag.

Sigh. I sopped up the mess with a few clothes from the bag and kept going. At this point, I was not turning back.

We took a 15 minute walk to the library and I got a library card, checked out two George books and went to leave. More crying from little girl who wanted to get down and play at the "liberry". But it had taken me so long to get out of the house that baby boy was overdue to feed and I had to get back to put dinner in the crockpot so we would not be eating at 8 pm. Yet, I understood. I just didn't allow for enough time. Mama fail.

So, we started the 15 minute walk back. More crying- all out screaming this time from baby boy who was overdue to eat. But little girl had at least opened her books and began to look through them. So, she was happy.

I went through the whole process of getting them out of the stroller, up the stairs. This time I took my keys and good thing because I dragged the stroller up the stairs only to find the door locked again. This time, Addie was happily sitting at the table, drinking out of my water bottle. Yes, I'm sure riding in the stroller was so exhausting that she need to cool off with my water bottle instead of drinking out of her sippy. Baby boy was still screaming. I got him fed, drank a bunch of water, turned on George and tackled dinner. Baby boy was still screaming- this time to be held. But I had to cook because dinner had to go in the slow cooker- we were running out of time. Half way through searing the pork, little girl comes in and throws her bowl at me for more food. Dealing with raw meat, I told her she needed to go watch more George and I would get it for her later. Screaming this time from baby #1. I ignored her and pressed on. Poured way too much lemon juice into the sauce by mistake. I just shook my head, said, "what the heck" and dumped more of the other ingredients into the sauce until it smelled ok. I was so over it.

And I was exhausted. It was one of those not-so graceful Mommy days. How come my friends make it look so easy and beautiful? I'm just thinking towards next week's schedule. A dr. appointment on Wed. Community Bible study starts on Thursday. How am I ever going to make it anywhere on time? How will I deal with the meltdowns that I know will come next week? Isn't it just easier to be a recluse indoors? Yes, but still we press on...

Little girl reading, baby boy screaming

 Do you have any tips for juggling two or more? Do you ever feel like everyone else makes it look so easy when you just feel like it is a struggle? 

The Birth Debate

I'm almost done addressing our baby boy's birth announcements. They have been sitting in our house for the past month, but I just haven't gotten around to it. I figure 7 weeks is a good amount of time to get them done. It doesn't matter that he is almost 4 pounds bigger and looks a lot different, right? 

Naturally, as I look at the announcement over and over again as I'm sticking each one into an envelope, my mind wanders back to that day. As I think of everything that happened that day, it makes me think of the great birth debate.

Birth debate? What's to debate? Well, if you read any mommy blogs, belong to any mommy groups, peruse pregnancy message boards, have any friends who are expecting on facebook, or listen to any celebrities who are often quite opinionated...apparently, there is alot to debate.

When I was pregnant with my first child, one of my good friends and I were chatting over a cup of tea. She was pregnant with her first child as well and we ended up on the topic of childbirth. Many of our mutual friends at church had recently delivered and had chosen to have their little ones naturally. As such, there was almost this expectation or pressure to do the same. I hesitated a bit to share what I was thinking (I thought for sure she would go sans the epidural) but I was so relieved to find out that someone else planned to have the epidural when delivering. The expectation or the pressure was off a bit.

You might wonder what I mean by pressure to deliver naturally. I don't think it is an overt pressure (at least not by most people minus those pesky celebrities who think they know it all or a few vocal message board posters). But yet there is a bit of pressure. Moms who opt for natural birth are often vocal about how it is a wonderful experience, how it makes you so in tune with your body and how it is the way to go and they wouldn't change a thing. It seems to be that there is a sense of pride that they could birth their baby without drugs- almost an elite club of sorts. And absolutely, more power to them...

But here's the deal. Sometimes, it make moms who chose otherwise to feel that they are lesser because they chose differently. When I think of it, I almost convince myself that I took the easy way out by choosing to get an epidural. Even by using the term natural birth, it implies that they way I birthed my babies was unnatural and that definitely has a negative connotation and can almost imply that I am less of a woman for choosing to do so. Our bodies were created to do this and woman have been doing it all since creation, so what's the big deal?

Looking back at both my deliveries, just because I choose an epidural, it doesn't mean it was easy. Trust me, it wasn't easy. I still labored and was definitely in the midst of active labor, when I chose to get one. And I still had to work hard to get these little ones into the world- and the feelings of joy, relief, victory was still present. And even though I had an epidural, I can still say that I'm proud that I made it through labor and delivery. While I don't quite feel the whole process is beautiful like many woman assert, I think those feelings are unrelated to how I chose to go about it and I don't feel like I am less of a woman or less of a mother because of it. When they told me that it was best for my son to have skin to skin contact with me even when he was covered in all sorts of yucky stuff, I welcomed him in my arms for an hour without asking the nurse to clean him up first even though I was deliberately pushing those thoughts out of my mind. That's for sure is an indication of a mother's love & devotion (not to mention all feeding, dirty diapers, laundry, rocking, soothing, interaction and those pesky hours up at night). And once he was placed in my arms, all that mattered was he was here and how wonderful it felt to hold my baby. I did it! Even if I had to have a planned c-section (which I can imagine would be scary and intimidating and quite painful in itself), I would have still have felt that sense of accomplishment- I carried and nurtured a little one for 9 months and he was safely brought into this world- that's definitely a reason to feel proud...and grateful!

Of course,  in the times since then as I read people's comments on childbirth, those troublesome thoughts still pop up every now and then. Did I take the easy way out?  Was my experience lesser as such? I don't really view it as that most days, but everyone likes affirmation now and then. After each of my deliveries my husband has told me that I did really well. This last time he mentioned something about being a trooper and beautiful and resilient through it all. He even posted it on facebook...I was affirmed that in his eyes, I didn't take the easy road by opting for the epidural. And he was there and witnessed it all!

I guess my point is no matter what you chose for yourself, we are all strong, beautiful mommies who have carried and nurtured our child for 9 months and will care for him or her needs for the next 18 years and love him or her for the rest of our lives- whether you choose to bring them into the world in what is termed naturally or not. Let's support each other as we journey through mommyhood- whether you choose natural birth or an epidural, whether you breast feed or bottle feed, whether you homeschool or send your kid to public school. Raising kids is difficult enough on its own without feeling all this pressure to measure up.

What do you think? How did your birth story go? Would you change anything if you could? Do you ever feel how I do? How can we support each other judgement?

Skin to skin contact...snuggling my sweet baby boy after he was born

I would love to hear from you. Until next time...

My Journey

I always loved being around kids. I was the one usually recruited to help with children's church and VBS at church. On days off from school, I would often go and spend the day with my mom who taught preschool. It was the highlight of my days off! So when it came to choosing a career, teaching seemed like a natural progression.

I taught fourth grade in a small school district for three years, followed by a three year stint as a reading specialist at the same school. While there were definitely challenges to teaching (mainly from outside mandates and sources), working with my students was so rewarding and brought alot of joy. When I was single, I could devote hours to my career- often spending nights and weekends working. I got married in the summer of 2009 and that fall, I started my job as a reading specialist. It took alot of work to adjust to the change, but my husband was in school at the time, so we would just spend nights and weekends working together- side by side in our apartment.

Right before the end of my first year as a reading specialist, I discovered I was pregnant with our first child. Suddenly, I was dealing not only with an intense job which was made even more stressful by the failure of our school to meet government mandates, but also the monumental task of growing a baby inside me and all the changes that was occurring as a result of that. I was more emotional, I was tired more often, my ankles would swell up at the end of the day as I packed on the pounds- trying to balance everything. Christmas break of 2010-2011 was spent creating a binder of sub plans and my worry of all of January was that my students wouldn't have that extra support in reading that they so desperately needed from me. Our daughter arrived on Valentine's Day of 2011- 6 days late and I had to force myself to put the thought of my students aside and focus on getting through the newborn craze. But I still checked my school email almost daily.

I spent three months at home with my daughter and tearfully I returned to work for 6 weeks until summer vacation. The summer was great time to spend with my daughter, but I knew I had to go back. The last year I taught was stressful for me. Work was going well- I felt like I had hit my stride as a reading specialist and I felt successful in my job. But then I would come home to a house that looked like a tornado came through it, piles of laundry, bottles that needed to be washed and sterilized and an empty refrigerator. And even though I was "home", I still had piles off work to be done. Many nights and weekends, I would hand our daughter off to my husband as I continued to work. We knew something had to change.

I longed to stay at home with our little girl and Spring of 2012, my husband applied to study oversees and we decided to pack up and move to Scotland. I quit my job and finally got to stay at home.

So, I got what I had wanted for the past year- things were great, right? Not so much. I didn't know how to be a stay at home mom with all this free time on my hands. I have never been much of a homemaker or a cook and I was overwhelmed where to start. And I was an ocean away from my friends and my support system. I was lost.

Teaching always felt so natural for me and I assumed motherhood would feel the same way. But it didn't and I was unprepared for that. And then I would look at my friends who had these sweet, well behaved kids and who made it look so easy. They always had dinner on the table for their husbands when they came home and they managed to get out of the house and make friends. To top it off, I was also dealing with first trimester hormones and all-day nausea that didn't make me want to cook or clean or get off the couch. So, my daughter ran around our one bedroom flat while I sat on the couch and tried not to move lest I would feel even more sick. And for one of the first times in my life, I felt like an utter failure at my job.

We spent 6 months in Scotland before moving back to the states in settling in our new home. I was feeling better, but still unsure of how to be a stay at home mom. Our daughter entered the terrible twos and I was dealing now with a child that didn't listen, who threw tantrums, but also who could be sweet and loving at the same time. Late Spring hit and I had a couple high blood pressure readings at the dr. We were finally settled in our apartment and I was ready to try to get out, but then the dr told me to stay out of the heat with my feet up. More running around our now two bedroom apartment by our daughter  while I tried to obey dr's orders. Our son arrived July 8th and now before I could figure out this whole stay at home mom thing with one kids, I suddenly have two!!

So, here we are. The reason I wanted to create this blog is because I want it to be a place where I can get my thoughts out- to share our ups and downs of life- of mothering kids as I try to figure this all out. And hopefully encourage other mothers who feel that their adventure in mommyhood isn't as graceful as they would want it to be. Mine certainty isn't- but I'm coming to the realization that it's ok.

What will be on this blog? I'm not sure. Topics that I am dealing with day to day. My thoughts on some of the big debate issues of parenting (who knew there could be so much judgement when it comes to mothering?) Probably some crazy stories of my days that would make most mommies feel better about themselves... :) Maybe reviews of book or other things that we have found that worked well for us. I'm open to suggestions.

Thanks for reading! Until next time...